Having slaved away for months on end bringing you high-quality season previews on all your favourite clubs for no reward, before realising that we can get more hits in one hour than we’d normally get in a week by calling people with better PR than us idiots, we’ve taken our foot off the gas a bit. Here’s everything you need to know about the rest of the Premier League.
Aston Villa – Twenty years of being the least offensive club in the league undone by one season of pure monotony. Paul Lambert looks like someone I used to and still do hate and his seeming obsession of doing to the Eredivisie what Newcastle are doing to Ligue 1 means that I hope they do really, really badly.
Fulham – Yawn
Norwich – I was so happy when they came back up as I enjoy colours, and believe that a league without all the primary colours is a league I don’t want to watch. However, now they’re here and play like Stoke without anyone noticing (come on, Grant Holt for England?) I wish they’d go away, like that guy I spoke to on the first day of uni because he didn’t look like he was on steroids or enjoyed banter but I now know smells weird and enjoys extended Lord of the Rings metaphors.
QPR – Absolutely the most dislikeable team in the league, which means they will never, ever be relegated.
Reading – Made no impact on the Premiership last time they were here, and I doubt they’ll do any better this time. Destined to be the second best team in blue and white hoops.
Southampton – I cannot count the number of ways I hope Southampton stay up. An aggressively attractive team, with an incredibly misguided transfer policy – Jay Rodriguez cost them roughly the same as Papiss Cisse, who as we have already discussed is the second coming of Jesus. A combination of Morgan Schneiderlin (he’s actually French) and other teams’ awfulness should see them safe.
Stoke – Please don’t make me write about Stoke. The ur-offenders, a blueprint of how to be disgusting and persuade a bunch of gullible idiots who don’t know any better that there’s nothing wrong with that. The sooner the Britannia Stadium is wiped from the Earth with a tactical nuclear strike, the better.
Sunderland – Scum of the Earth. Literally no number 1, far worse than Newcastle and having AFC instead of FC in England is so unnecessary I want to cry.
Swansea – They’ll fall apart and everyone who loved them last season won’t care. You’re all bastards.
Tottenham – Haha, they didn’t even get their own preview. Or a striker. Or keep Luka Modric. Seriously, we even did Everton, and we both hate them (Steven Pienaar aside). He left Spurs too. And their manager is dangerously tactically naive, like a parody of a ’70s African national team. God, they’re doomed (to finish below 4th).
West Brom – Their Wikipedia page already has a space for Own Goals scored, which strikes me as a little optimistic. Maybe Football Manager’s Romelu Lukaku will live up to that 4.5 star Potential Ability rating and along with 2009’s Graham Dorrans carry them through.
West Ham – Does anyone want them to do well? I thought we’d finally have a half-decent league after getting shot of Bolton and Blackburn in one go, then this lot rise up to take their place. Laughably still claiming to be everyone’s second team, you can only pray Sam Allardyce continues his spiralling descent into self-parody by signing Andy Carroll.
Wigan – Inexplicably liked by everyone, despite being about the 9th most popular team in Wigan. Ryo Miyaichi will obviously be the best Japanese player in the league this season, and hopefully they’ll stay up just to make room for West Ham, QPR and Sunderland in the relegation zone.