Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Goalposts for Goalposts’ predictions, as for the first time ever, we don’t predict Premier League action. Instead, this week, it’s the turn of the FA Cup, a competition that still retains its magic, despite what everyone who isn’t me might tell you. Onwards!
Due to my shocking lack of knowledge/ability to care about Leagues One and Two, I’ll be predicting games featuring teams from this division using a complex formula based on their proximity to my flat, how nice their kit is and whether they ever fucked me over on Football Manager, which would’ve led Colchester into a world of hurt had they got this far.
Watford v Tottenham
This fixture was much better when it was played in the semi’s in 1987. A Watford line up featuring John Barnes and the chief executive’s son will unfortunately succumb to a stunning Chris Hughton strike. 0-1
QPR v Chelsea
A tense game sees Anton Ferdinand sent off for racially abusing John Terry. Obviously Chelsea will win this one, and there’ll be no drama whatsoever. 0-3
Hull v Crawley Town
Crawley, being the embodiment of everything that is wrong with football, will be rightfully slaughtered by the Tigers. 3-0
Milwall v Southampton
Southampton still have Ricky Lambert right? He’s cool. 1-3
West Brom v Norwich
Norwich won this exact fixture 2-1 only two weeks ago, and I’m nothing if not unoriginal. 1-2
Brighton v Newcastle
Newcastle win. Obviously. 0-4
Sunderland v Middlesborough
God I hate both of these teams with a burning passion. However, I hate Sunderland more, so they’re guaranteed to win. 3-1
I got distracted/bored/ran out of jokes halfway through writing this. Go and put another hit on the other thing I wrote today, it’s loads better.