Yet again, the mists of time have parted, granting your correspondent a glimpse of the weekend ahead. In between the Italian cruise ships falling like dominoes and the end of Mayan civilisation lies a scintillating weekend of Premiership action, detailed below with utmost precision.
Norwich v Chelsea
As Andy Carroll has proven, expensive strikers without goals are no strikers at all. No matter how sharp Fernando Torres looked last week, he still won’t score, but Steve Morison will. 1-1
Everton v Blackburn
Everton’s new signing Darron Gibson scores a 30-yard last minute winner, cementing his place in the first team for the foreseeable future and ensuring they don’t win another game ’til April. 1-0
Fulham v Newcastle
Despite missing the league’s newly-appointed best striker Papiss Cisse (who hasn’t played a game yet) and the old best striker, Demba Ba, the ever-heroic Leon Best (or his doppleganger) will help Newcastle overcome an upsettingly average Fulham side. 0-2
QPR v Wigan
If QPR were playing almost any other team in the league, Mark Hughes would remain pointless (in the league, to go with his general life state) on Sunday. Wigan, unfortunately for Roberto Martinez, aren’t almost any other team, and will lose. 2-1
Stoke v West Brom
Stoke. Physical. West Brom. Pass. Etc. 2-0
Sunderland v Swansea
Two likeable managers, one likeable team. As always in these situations, Sunderland win. 1-0
Wolves v Aston Villa
Dull, dull, dull. Contemplating this fixture has driven me to drink. Who cares?
Bolton v Liverpool
The new worst central defensive partnership in the league comes up against the worst striker in the league, or Dirk Kuyt. A 0-0 that should be erased from the history books as soon as the final whistle is blown.
Man City v Tottenham
Harry Redknapp bribes the ref with offers of “assistance with your tax returns”, but heroic underdogs Manchester City still manage to win, the scrappy mites. 4-2
Arsenal v Man Utd
Everyone knows Man Utd will win, but even Alex Ferguson wants Henry to score the winner. The only solution: Henry own goal in the 90th minute. 1-2