It’s nearly Christmas, blah blah blah, everyone’s doing a top billion football players in the world list, everyone is wrong. Read the first half of mine instead.
10. Andres Iniesta
While others may play on instinct, Iniesta is always thinking. Add to this his almost sensuous dribbling and alabaster skin and it’s impossible to watch him without getting an erection (even if you’re a girl). Also responsible for the greatest football moment of all time.
9. Jamie Ward
Sheffield United’s best player every time I’ve seen him play (less than 10 times). Now plays for Derby County, but we won’t hold that against him. Master of the penalty (this one at least).
Another Brazilian player who was going to be all that but ended up not quite being all that (Julio Baptista, so and so forth), except Hernanes is better than most of the Brazilians who did make it (I’m looking at you, Adriano).
7. Adel Taarabt
Everyone knows Neil Warnock is a tool. Proof of this sour pudding is in his continued refusal to play his second best player (after Joey Barton) even though the rest of his side are towering lumps of hideousness wrapped up in blue-and-white hoops.
6. Joey Barton
I said he’s better than Taarabt, so he has to go in. This list is nothing if not logical and true. Plus, Etuhu’s crap and doesn’t deserve to share a pitch with him.
Find the second half of this list. it’s cunningly hidden on the home page (or it will be soon)!