Premier League Predictions: 5th-6th November 2011

According to State Law I have to refer to these as predictions. However, they are only predictions in the same way that I ‘predict’ I’m going to spend the weekend filled with self-loathing, it’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Read on if you want the secrets of the Universe unveiled to you…

Newcastle v Everton

Everton have no strikers, Newcastle have the best defensive record in the league. Everton have Tony Hibbert, Newcastle have Demba Ba. 2-0

Arsenal v West Brom

The two teams in the league who play DECENT FOOTBALL. It’s going to be boring, Robin van Persie will score a hat-trick for Robin van Persie FC, or whatever they’re called. 3-4

Aston Villa v Norwich

Norwich are the Wetherspoon’s Burger to Villa’s Rustlers. Neither are great, but one is vile. Norwich will win, Alex McLeish will still inexplicably be employed on Monday. 0-1

Blackburn v Chelsea

Steve Kean. Andres Villas Boas. Neither are doing too well. One is British, and therefore shit. Chelsea win. 1-3

Liverpool v Swansea

Everyone wants Swansea to win, but the league’s least likeable front two will ensure that doesn’t happen. 2-0

Man Utd v Sunderland

United will change their centre back pairing for the 485th game in a row. However, Sunderland are terrible and have no Proven English Goalscorer ™. United win, to the disgust of all. 1-0

QPR v Man City

City play their 8th string, or whatever, and still slaughter a team whose best player unashamedly detests their manager. 0-5

Wolves v Wigan

Who gives a shit? Meh-Meh

Bolton v Stoke

The four people in the country who can watch this fixture on MOTD without throwing up will see an absolutely vile game, that Stoke win by virtue of being the bigger dickheads. 0-1

Fulham v Tottenham

Both from London, both wear white, both played in the Europa League on Thursday. The score will be as equal as everything else about these teams. 0-0

Done. Now get out of my sight.


About Dave

I'm not biased, I hate every team, and often the sport itself.
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3 Responses to Premier League Predictions: 5th-6th November 2011

  1. Anonymous says:

    this is all incorrect.


    Mr A Giles

  2. Ben Milligan says:

    why would you post anonymously but leave your name?

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